ruminations full of heart

I'm not sure how many people actually read or follow this, and I know it is a little out of my 'comfort' zone to post something on here that is more than just my adventures with my little man. I haven't been able to post the other posts that I've started for some reason, I think something to do with the photo sizes, but since I haven't been able to post them I've been thinking a lot. Henry went down earlier than usual tonight, and easier than he has been the past few nights. I think the time change threw him for a loop. At any rate, because he's down, and the house is clean, it feels very quiet. With it's quietness i have been thinking of all the changes that are taking place, and the holiday planning, and mostly of all of my blessings.

I am truly blessed with real friends. Not just for those friends who are more like acquaintances, but the friends that really know you and you know them. The ones who it doesn't matter when they show up to your house and it looks like you chose to sit on the couch to take a breath instead of picking up after the kiddo who's taking a nap. I am so lucky to have friends like that.

Today while visiting with one of those friends, I realized all of the layers of richness that we (my little family) have to our life. It is so easy to get caught up in what you do on a day to day basis, to get lost within your schedule and even though you don't see what anyone else is really doing, somehow reflect your experiences on them. maybe i am the only one who does this, and if so, GUILTY! I find myself sometimes feeling as though i can be read like a book, or that i know what is going on behind someone else's closed doors, only to find out that either they feel the same way or i was completely wrong. I know this is why we are told not to judge, and I've never viewed it as being judgmental but it makes me very hard on myself. anyways, So what my friend said that triggered all this thinking was, " as women we are so blessed to be given the opportunity to raise God's children. It seems silly that I would want more to be 'just a doctor' or 'just a pharmacist'. Somehow it is so easy to view that, as a greater achievement than being a mom." now, this friend of mine doesn't have children. and while she was saying this I was reflecting on all the different emotions I've experience since having Henry. I was watching him run around and be his charming self while she was talking too. And she is right, we are given this amazing opportunity to strengthen our belief in God, to strengthen our relationship with our husbands, and to teach this small and beautiful child (children) how to do everything that is right. We have mass amounts of resources to help us succeed at this job.

I thought about how when I met my sweetheart, before I even knew that's who he was, the love between us grew, it started out very different than it does with a child. With Henry, the moment i felt that first movement i began to love him. When that baby was born, from the first moment i held him, i had a love for him that was unexplainable. A love that I had never experienced. And my love for him has grown from that enormous amount to something unmeasurable.

I watch the way he watches me, and how he looks to see how i am going to do it. 100% of his trust is put in me, for everything. When he is not sure how he feels about a situation, he turns to me to see how i am reacting; if I am sure that it will be fine, he borrows my confidence for his courage.

Being a mother, and honoring what that role is is an experience different than i imagined. I worried that I would feel like I threw my professional experiences out the window, or to the wayside. It is quite the opposite. And the 'professional experience' that comes from learning from your child, is something that is irreplaceable. If this is just a glimpse of what our Father in Heaven feels for us I understand more now, than i did yesterday. I understand that I can turn to Him when I am not quite sure of my footing, and can borrow his confidence for my courage.